Seriously, somebody has to shoot me.

I have been wanting to write a frigging post on the matter love, since like, ages ago. Okay maybe not, last month. And April is going to end soon. Stupid mood!

Anyway, all I’ve been wanting to say is that, the word love is getting over-rated by the second. Seriously!

EVERYDAY conversations revolve around it, sometimes I think infatuation is love and love is infatuation. And so they say, love always win. And I guess, that is why people are dwelling upon the subject for this season.

My point here is, social science is sick. How can they make a theory out of a SACRED matter?

Fine. But I’ve to admit, it is kind of genius of them.

Thing is, I thought it was suppose to be all sugar - utopia, bliss, joy what not. Fine, it’s such an IDEALISTIC imagination. Who cares? A girl can dream can she? Then again, it is so fake.

They say, signals of attraction:
Physical proximity
Appearance
Similarity
Acceptance.

And how to fall in love:
Exposure
Love object
A state of arousal.

If someone cukup syarat, hence they are in love.

How far true is this?

You see, you watch movies yes, they infatuate, confess, smooch, and get to bed. And that’s it. Then, the next thing you know, another love object appears, and the list goes on. It seems so easy to fall in love isn’t it? Well, that would be the passionate love. The one that only has the passion and intimacy component.

Companionate love: Commitments and Intimacy. Sort of like deep friendship, if you ask me.

Here comes the tricky part, consummate love: Intimacy + Passion + Commitment.

We’re not talking about being only loyal. Its such a general word. We’re talking about, making decisions together. Being committed to your exact words, (and I can’t think of anything else) etc.
Being committed to each others lives - dreams, whatever.

But tell me, if its only Intimacy+Passion, how could it be call LOVE. I mean, well I see it as infatuation. You can’t just jump into bed with someone just after knowing them for what, few days? It is so infatuation, okay, I mean, its almost like I’m reading Romeo and Juliet again. How can winds change so fast?

Consummate love? You tell me dear, were all the commitments real? Were all of them fulfilled? Maybe I might sound a little bit selfish. And now, “What did I do?” You should know better. But you know, like I said, or the movie did, or perhaps the song did, love means letting go.

Passionate love? Can one be in a passionate love so fast?

Maybe, I’m just going round the bush again. It does not take science to figure all these things, does it? It does not take rationale either.

Follow your heart, leave the head alone.

I guess when you’re ready to take that leap, you’d know. And when you fall, well, you could always stand again.

I feel like inhaling packets of nicotine, which would definitely be out of my norm. And would without doubt make me feel sick, and put me right to bed.

But that’s the point. It’ll make me be on the bed. Listen to the music at a very slow volume, as if it signifies sadness.

I feel like throwing pebbles at the cars, with anger rage but really, it’ll not get me anywhere.

I feel like snuggling in my warm blanket when this stupid ceiling fan feels too cold even during the hot summer’s day and there’s nothing like the warmth shared with your trusty pillow.

Don’t as me why, because I can’t find the link. I mean, I’m sure it is it. And I was confident that it is what’s suppose to be. But then, why this?

“Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.”

But I wonder if there’s no breaking, then there’s no healing,
and if there’s no healing, then there’s no learning.
And if there’s no learning then there’s no struggle.
But the struggle is a part of life.

So must all hearts be broken?

 

 

Ever done something, or maybe even repeatedly do something you know you’re not supposed to do, and then during that particular moment you suddenly start screaming to yourself (In your head I mean, unless you’re crazy person who don’t care or even mind when people are staring at you weirdly), “What the hell am I doing?”. Been there? Done that? Well big high five right here.

I keep doing this particular thing, in fact I just did it again, and every time, I end up contemplating to myself why in the world I even do it. Thinking logically, it is so, umm… Well, just plain stupid. But yeah, I do it any way. I tell myself its my way of staying ‘grounded’, so that I don’t really float and forget how to come back down. Yeah, kind of a messed up way of doing it though.

I’ll get back to that some other time.(Probably…. or maybe next time I will try to ‘ground’ myself.)

I was looking through my old posts and I realized that I never really say everything in my entries. There are all mostly vague, or just generally explained. Nothings said 100% like it should actually mean. I write about it, but then I don’t really write about it. Subconsciously, maybe I’m still watching my words as to not say something I might later regret. You never really know who might be reading your blog. Or maybe it is just the fact that I just don’t like letting it all out. And doesn’t it kinda ruin the fun of reading if I tell you every single little thing? I’ll vaguely state something, then I’ll leave it up to you readers to explore your imagination and interpret it yourselves. Plus, I think I like the satisfaction of knowing that the memories are still mine, and not shared with the whole cyber world. It is my memories to keep after all.

 

 

I swear I had a million things to post about, but now my head is just blank.
And I wish I could fly and not think.
Because when things get harder, they tend to break.
And what will happen next?
Dig yourself in caramel popcorn and watch.

Push start, push play, rewind.

 

 

It’s not about what happened in the past, or what you think might happen in the future.

There’s no point in going through all this crap if you’re not enjoying the ride.

And you know what?

When you least expect it, something great might come alone,

something better than what you planned for.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

People change so that you can learn to let go.

Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right.

You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.

And sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together.

To get up in the morning only to know that you’ll have to face another obstacle takes strength.

To smile when the only thing you can do is cry takes bravery.

To act happy & laugh when you know that times are at their worst takes courage.

To be joyous when the only good news is the best of the bad news takes support.

To be there & help others through the roughest times in life takes love..

“Happy Birthday” means much more
Than have a happy day.
Within these words lie lots of things
I never get to say.

It means I love you first of all,
Then thanks for all you do.
It means you mean a lot to me,
And that I’m proud of you.

But most of all, I guess it means
That I am thinking of
Your happiness on this, your day,
With pleasure and with love.

PS: HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY SAYANG! MuaxXx…

Dreams are always crushing when they don’t come true. But it’s the simple dreams that are often then most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You’re always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold. And it’s enough to break your heart.

Everything changed eventually. That’s just the way life is and you have no control over it. Like, suddenly the people you think are always going to be there, they disappear. You know? People die and they move away and they grow up.

I believe in a world of people pretending to be something they’re not. But when I talk to you, I’m the girl that I want to be.

Maybe you’re just scared because for once in your life someone actually wants to be with you.

The reason that I can’t talk about it much is because I don’t know what to say.

Cinderella walked on broken glass. Sleeping Beauty let a whole lifetime pass. Belle fell in love with a hideous beast. Pocahontas risked her life for a feast. Jasmine could have had anyone, instead she chose a poor man. Ariel walked in land for love and life. It was all about blood, sweat, and tears… I guess love’s all about facing your biggest fears

You have to learn from your mistakes and grow. And know that if it can happen once, it can happen twice.

No girl should ever forget that she doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t need her.

Yes, it would have been wonderful to have grown old together, but that doesn’t mean I regret the time we spent together. Loving someone and having them love you back is the most precious thing in the world.

Find the one you can be yourself in front of. You can smile, you can cry, you can scream, you can kiss, you can hug, you can fight and make up by the end of the night and would still be absolutely crazy about each other.

_________________________________

 

Enough with the random emotional stuff. Just wanted to jot something for today’s entry.

 

Anyway, I’ve been tagged by Suthesh to do some questions and answers stuff. Well, here goes.

 

-INTRODUCTION-

First Name – Nur Liyana

Nickname – Lyana, Yana, Lyn… etc

Name you wish you had – My name is simple and memorable, no need change

What do people normally mistake your name as – Depends on how they pronounce it.

Birthday - 18^th May of every year.

Birthplace – Hospital Besar Sultanah Aminah, Johor

Time of Birth – Around 5.45am. I’m an early bird. lol!

Single or taken – Taken and not available

Zodiac sign - Taurus

-YOUR APPEARANCES-

How tall are you – 5”6, 167cm

Wish you were taller – Part of me said ‘YES’, but I like my current height now

Eye color – Marble Black or is it Deep Black

Eye color you want – Dark Brown probably

Natural Hair color – Black

Current Hair color - I like my natural color.

Short or long hair – Long hair

Ever dye your hair a bizarre color – No way. My mum will kill me if I do

Curly,Straight,Wavy – Wavy and a bit curly

Last time you did something dramatic with your hair – Hurm… Can’t really remember

Glasses or contacts – Glasses

Do you wear make-up – Yeah

Ever had hair extensions - I don’t think I want to. Why should I?

Paint your nails – Sometimes. Depends on my mood

-IN THE OPPOSITE GENDER-

What color eyes – Don’t really care

What color hair – Don’t really care

Shy or Outgoing – Outgoing and a bit of shy once in awhile

Looks or personality – Downright personality

Sexy or Cute – Combination of both sexy and cute

Serious or Fun – Sarcastic is sometimes fun. Mixture of both

Older or Younger than you – Preferably older or same age and also mature

A turn on – Sense of humor, smart but funny, and knows what he’s doing… etc

A turn off – Liars, undeniably high ego, smokes… etc

 

-THIS OR THAT-

Flowers or Chocolate – Chocolates all the way

Pepsi or Coke – Fine with both

Rap or Rock – Depends on my mood

Relationship or One night stand - Relationship

School or Work – Either both cause we still be learning and do work

Love or Money – I love money but on the same time I love love too

Movies or Music – Mixture of both entertainment

Country or City – Depends. City would be a good place to stay and country would be best for holiday

Sunny or Rainy days – Sunny for a perfect day out and rainy for a perfect day in

Friends or Family – Family + Ian Tam

-HAVE YOU EVER-

Lied – Duhhh!~ Who in the world doesn’t. But I suck in lying

Stole something – Er… Yes?! But it was LONG LONG LONG time ago

Smoked – Never even a puff and NEVER WILL!

Hurt someone close to you – Yes

Broke someones heart – Err… Yes?! Shattered the heart and rip it inside out

Had you heart broken – Hmm… Yeah. But life goes on

Wondered what was wrong with you – Not really. Should ask papakins later

Wish you were a prince/princess – Never. But being treated as a princess, a big YES!

Liked someone who was taken – Like? Yes. Admire? Yes. But love? NO!

Shaved your head – Britney isn’t that big of an influence

Been in love - I am. And still in

Used chopsticks – Been thought a billion times but just couldn’t get it right

Sang in the mirror to yourself – Haha… When I’m happy, I will.

Ever cried over someone – When I love someone, the crying part would be just around the corner

Is there anything you wish you could change about yourself – Only one thing… Wish I love myself as much I love other people

Do you think you’re attractive – To some people, yes. To some people, no. You tell me

If you had to choose a fairytale as your life what would you choose – I’m writing my own fairytale

Do you play any sports – Netball, volleyball, basketball… etc

 

-FAVORITES-

Flower – Carnation, lavenders and lilies

Candy – Lollipops and cotton candy

Song – Too many in my list

Scent – Fruity scent

Color – Black, white, blue, red, brown… etc

Movie – PS: I Love You, The Perfect Man, The Devils Wear Prada, Sydney White, No Reservation, A Walk to Remember…etc

Singer – Hurm… Too many liao

Word - “Huh?!”, “What?!”, and all time favorite when with papakins, “Nothing”

Junk food - Chipster

Website – My blog, Papakins blog, Facebook, Friendster, friend’s blog, Cyber Tracker

Lotion – Yves Rocher and Body Shop

Animal – Rabbits, hamsters… etc

 

 

-THE RULES-

Link to your tagger and post these rules.

- List (8) random facts about yourself and

tag (8) people.

 

• I’m naive. I trust or believe easily.

• I often wonder where is justice and why isn’t it served to the people who hurt you

• I’m predictable and my concentration sucks.

• I don’t know whether to laugh or cry whenever an issue comes to mind but most of the time I’ll cry

• I lost part of my strength to fight for myself but I’m still trying hard to fight

• I like being pampered and be treated like a princess. LOL! Kidding lar. I like teddy bears!

• I know a lot of secrets, I am trying SO HARD to keep most of them but unfortunately I sometimes ACCIDENTALLY blab it out or forgot about it.

• I love to love but I hate to hate. Make sense?

 

 

8 people I’m tagging:

1. Papakins a.k.a Ian Tam (If he rajin/not busy)

2. Syuhada a.k.a Syude

3. Mohd Danial Aizat a.k.a Danny (If he prasan me tagged him)

4. Nor Shazwina Shahnaz a.k.a Shat (Do it in Friendster bulletin)

5. Fariza Aziz a.k.a Zazaziz (Nak paksa jugak dier buat)

6. Badruz Nasrin a.k.a (Nak ke dier buat? Lantak, suruh gak)

7. Rashid a.k.a Acid (Acid buat tau. :D)

8. Ganaesh D a.k.a Baby-G (Update ur blog la syg)

 

 

 

In the absence of a reason there’s only doubt
When there’s doubt, your trust is shaken
Without trust, there’s no confidence
Lack of confidence often leads to failure
Now, do you see why there must be a reason in your action?

LOVE
is not just about…

Spending happy and joyful times together - BUT it is about being physically side by side together during the toughest time.

Willing to spend an emornous amount of money on good food, fine dining, splendid dinner at the most famous restaurant in town - BUT it is about the conscious choice of sitting down together at the stall by the roadside because he/she is dead broke, AND still… feels so good together.

Giving and receiving the entailing great gift and show them off to the world - BUT it is about the hand made imperfect card/stuff that seem so perfect to your eyes.

Having another partner who look drop dead gorgeous and whom you NEED to please them back by looking good all the time - BUT it is about how you can feel so comfortable and good with yourself without a mask/make up/etc. because he still look at you and say i love you.

Having a boyfriend/girlfriend whom your parents adore very much - BUT it is having a boyfriend/girlfriend who would try their very best to MAKE your parents like them.

Being together blissfully without arguements,utter incompatibility, and mistunderstandings - BUT it is about the times when you disagree about EVERY SINGLE THING, but then you learn how to COMPROMISE.

Fetching you with glamorous car ANYTIME you want them to - BUT it is about that someone who would WALK with you, and making sure that you are at the safe side of the road.

Having someone who compliment you with colourful words - BUT it is about having someone who does not complain about your flaws, in fact, accept you for who you are.

LOVE
is not about SAYING and THINKING that you are in love,
but it is about all the things that you would do - for love.

Taking a small breather now to organise myself. And then I realise 2008 is taking great big steps in my direction - I can’t believe it’s already January. Mid January at that. Where the fuck has all that time gone?

These days, it seems that is the one thing no one ever has enough of. It’s a shame you can’t fit it in a box. That would be some great present.

Who’s that girl in my reflection? Crying and asking for some affection? I can see the tears in her eyes, They’re showing no matter how hard she tries. 

She wants to reach out for some support, Because she feels this is her last resort. Her cold fragile hands won’t stop shaking, And her beating heart just keeps on breaking. 

What is she thinking inside of her head? Is she afraid of what may lie ahead? There are too many decisions to be made, To keep her away from the dangerous blade. 

Her image slowly starts to disappear, But around me her voice I can still hear. As she fades away into the bright light, I struggle to keep her here with a fight. 

Who was that girl in my reflection? Crying and asking for some affection? I can see the tears in my eyes, As I look up its then I realize… 

That the girl who was crying is me!

 

I dont know why…
I’m feeling so emo!!!!
Emo and happy and scared and stressed!!!

I dont know..
Maybe its because I haven’t started doing my assignment…
which means… Bye Bye to 80% of my free time….
which also means Hello Hello to staying up late…
Finals are coming up!! :S 

Hush… It’s a secret. He doesn’t know about this.

MY CONFESSION!

…about my secret love affair. About how I adore my affair in secret. How I fantasize about it secretly. How my imaginations of my love affair become so real, I can feel my love affair’s presence beside me.

Hush… he doesn’t know. This secret love affair is between you and me. This post is dedicated to my secret love. You and me… sealed forever in time, held together forever by love and wanted forever by need.

Damnit! I miss my love affair every minute. I dream about it in class. I dream about it when I do things. I wish for my love affair to be beside me every single moment, awake or asleep.

It’s so hard having a secret affair. Cause you know that you love it for the rest of your life.

I just wanna kiss him. Just look at his lips, it’s so luscious. Every kiss is so sweet. Its such a tempting thought. I know its a crime. So, sue me for wanting to. It’s just so good. I’ll disclose a picture of him. I just had to let you know. I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love you so much dear.

So, now you know who is my secret affair is.

 

PS: Pain from my PMS has attack my brain. That’s explain this weird post. Do excuse my craziness.

Have you ever met anybody who does not dream?
All of us have dreamt of something good or bad before
Some dreams are believed to foretell the future
While few dreams remind us of things we have forgotten
Other dreams are just hallucination and nightmare
What do you dream about?
Some people dream every night
While the others dream once a while
Do you dream straight or opposite?
To dream straight is to see a vision
To dream straight is to have a revelation
Is your dream good, bad or frightening?
Has your dream ever come true?
Do you day-dream or dream while you sleep?
What do you really dream about?
Politicians dream of winning elections
Students dream of passing exams
Soldiers dream of winning battles
Everybody dreams of promotion on the job
Fishermen dream of catching lots of fishes
Some men see their future wives in a vision
Few women see their future husbands in a dream
Almost everybody dreams of winning the lottery
What do you actually dream about?
Many see their enemies in a dream
Few see their true friends in a vision
Others found solutions to their problems in a dream
Can we live on earth without dreaming?
Your answer is as good as mine
Whatever you may dream about
I hope your good dreams come true

PS: Where have my good & happy dream gone? I want ‘em now!

I wanna blog… I wanna blog…

But things has been quite hectic lately… *I made it dat way…harhar…*
Study… Claz… Study… Claz… More study & more claz… But hey looks who’s complaining?I always wanted to blog more but me being da ‘perfectionist’ and ‘want-my-blog-to-look-good’, I always spend a lot of time to make sure my post is a perfect post which explain my lack of post cause i can’t get ‘em perfect, not dat those i’ve posted are.See, dat’s da dilemma i’m havin, have to spellcheck la, make sure all da html tags are correct and complete la it does take time… bla,bla,bla…

Sometimes i feel i should let my blog be a blog, which is a raw unedited thoughts, hmmm… Maybe i should start another one just for dat.

Different people have different style but i just love mine da way it is. It’s your blog, just like your bedroom, your locker *which i hope to have* it reflects your personality, it tells you what kind of a person you are. Whether you are diligent to check your spelling, your grammar or just being reader sensitive *not like the obvious lack of caps in dis post*, or you are a self obsessed, attention seeking or just plain some one who wants to get things of your chest. Hey! People can tell a lot from reading your blog and da same way you can ‘tell’ others what kind a person you are da way you want others to perceive you.

And speakin of bedroom, here are sum pics of my room in MMU hostel which im currently ’stayin’. I let you judge what kind of person am I… hehehe….

My so-called study table…

Dis is where I glue my ass when im bored..hehehe

My comfy bed…

I wanna change da bed sheet…

Hehehe…

Most of u are wonderin hows my cupboard look like, rite…Here’s ur chance…

My collectin of shoes…

Still got more but dun have da space to stack on da shoe rack…

Earlier I was talking to my friend (actually I was chattin wit her liao).

And at? da end of our conversation I wondered why we do? da things we do, why I do? da things I do. No matter how useless, no matter how stupid, no matter how totally self-destructive they sometimes are. I still do them.

In her case, she finds her situation perfectly fine so I let her be (yeah rite… She was just pretending so dat I wont start wit my usual ‘lecture’). But often times, in my case, I am NOT perfectly fine with some of my utterly annoying habits. I still overanalyze until it hurts, I still insist on doing things “my way” such as cramming, and staying up late at night, and downing way toooo much coffee or even spend most of my money on shoppin. I know, it’s unhealthy. But I do it still. Just like when people smoke even though they believe it’s bad for them. Same thing.

So yeah, why DO I do the things I do, here are some of my hypotheses (mcm saintis la pulak…harharhar):

• I tend to think and analyze too much to? sum? point? dat every minute detail is mercilessly dissected.It gives me a headache but I do it because it makes me feel I have control over things (As if lor…). It makes me feel? dat I understand? da situation and? da way things are. It makes me anticipate and prepare for what’s to happen next.? ?
• I am stubborn. It’s not? dat it was a determined choice. It’s? da way I am because it makes me feel? dat I, again, have control. Maybe also because of this thing called Pride. Damn pride (From other point I would say it was my ego…).
• I binge. I binge on food. I shop impulsively. And dat’s where I lack control. I do it because it is in these moments that I feel free and uninhibited.? Dat I can let go for even just a bit.
• And lastly, why do I keep myself restricted to my comfort zone? Why do still insist on things? dat aren’t meant for me, insisting on people who’ll disappoint me? Why can’t I let down my guard?Why can’t I have more faith in me? And? da answer to these questions continue to make? my? head spins? and ask why we have to be sooo complicated.Why do we have to make promises to others and to ourselves? Why is there always this spot of gray?

So here I am again, doing the things I do because maybe in doing them, I get to keep my sanity. Don’t you think? hehehe…(”,)