angelic.Devil

People come and go as they say. You try to make amends, meet up for a little chat with a cup of coffee or what not. But like I said and predicted and figured, it would never be the same. Maybe it’s the forces of nature, the gravity and the order of things. And God, you need to help me.

Changes change people, change the order of life, change the mind.. and the list goes on. Basically, you’re a different person. Even it means it has only been a year.

I chatted with an old friend today after a year of distance and failed attempts of meeting up. Thats because I kept bailing out because I know it would just make me feel miserable and, MY GOD HELL YES I WAS. But you know, you swallow. Well, so I did, I swallowed.

As much as I tried to swallow, but you know, you can’t just swallow up that much. It eats myself up. No worse, it eats my fucking self-concept and my fucking social identity up. I wake up every morning wishing I would never have to end up with this little world of theirs and hating myself for I have ate my self.

You see, I’m not whining because of how and who they are. I couldn’t care less for all I care because its just how the world works, there are cliques. Its what they’re doing to my Self. I’m sorry but I put great importance on the Self. Its fucking sacred. Fuck yes. And my god I’m cursing.

I’m miserable.

You can have your short term goals like graduating your tertiary studies and your long term goals like getting married at some fancy hotel. But your life goal? No its much more than your short and long term goals. It’s to Complete your Self like that missing piece of your life puzzle and mind you, it’s not your average “You complete me” towards your partner kinda thing.

So hooray, Lyana ate herself up on the inside with the presence of these certain persons. Really amazing that you have developed your Self and Identity to the point where those people you just stumbled upon years back are the very people you want to avoid for they have found their selves which clearly contradict to your Self. So run along. I may sound selfish, but hey, you made me eat myself up from the inside.

Time alone, all I need is time alone for obvious reasons.

You tell me how did your life start?

Yes, maybe from that moment you came out of that little womb. Throughout your kindergarten, primary and then secondary years. Then comes Diploma, Degree, Masters or maybe PhD. The work, marriage which comes in between your tertiary studies. Have you ever felt that you’re always chasing something in life, when really, you know that’s that.

You see, in my mind it works this way; kindergarten yes, you pass it to get into primary, and you pass primary to get to secondary and then secondary to tertiary. Tertiary for a secured job and payroll and love which comes in between to fulfill your whole lust, emotional support; basically your entire system. Once married, what’s next? Kids. Okay when you’ve kids, what’s next? Religious goals? Toil towards the main purpose in life, to get into Heaven, and if it’s possible, make it the seventh level please.

But really, put religion aside. What really is your point in life? To get rich and build this huge house of your own, and have a happy family. Right, let me tell you, adults just have this constant sexual lust when they are married. I know not all, but they just have to have other sexual partners. Quickie at the pantry with the secretary? Or just mere flings.

You’d say nobody’s perfect yes, and in fact, when you see a wholly perfect, flawless family you’d just say its fake. Straight out from a bloody detergent commercial. But when you see a broken home, really, you’d just say that’s life and start blaming the parents for their miserable kids.

So much for a happy family then.

You just keep moving forward to achieve that long term goals and then what’s next? You just keep bloody running and chasing for the future and run and run and run and run.. it never stops.

Yes you do go phases in life and you grow from it. Divide your life into portions where significant events happen that have strong impacts in your life. Mine was at the age of 6, 10, 15, and it grows from there. Well I think I grow throughout then. But really, it’s so fucking tiring that I feel I’m always chasing something that is never ending.

I wish I could forward my life and see what will happen next.

Its always hard knowing which one to listen to, the heart or the head?
Why do they have to speak different language?

…just heaven and I.

Life is scaring me. It’s getting tougher and more challenging to live on my own as days go by. I’m chasing after my goals, hopes and expectations. Those initiate me to hold on. I can’t and won’t let go.

I belong somewhere else because I know I don’t belong HERE. Everything has been fated, I believe so. I’m HERE to view things in a wider way. This freaky place gives me a kind of vibe which I bet you won’t like it either.

It’s always sad when things fall apart.

In fact, I hate knowing when they do.

Question: Do all good things REALLY have to end?
I mean, what’s the point of having it good if you’re going to have to give it back anyway? And can we really make it last longer than it should? Can’t it just be?

Another break-up. Another pair of shattered hearts. Not like it’s any of my business really but since I know the two of you - I hope you guys are alright and please know that I’m here for either one of you. If you need someone. Anyone, at all.

It seems that most the people around me are getting married.

Ah, maybe not directly connected, but still, they are getting married. They are taking that giant leap of faith. You know, the responsibility that they have to carry together. This weight they have to lift, the lives they have to combined.

Did I mention the life they would have to nourish and nurture?

Oh boy.

Most of them are in their mid and late twenties. But seriously, its a big step. I wonder when my closed 20-something friends are getting married. Haha…It would be hilarious.

Would they invite people to their wedding through Facebook’s RSVP? Attending, Not attending, Maybe Attending.

It would be even more hilarious.

Talk about advanced and new generation. As if wasting trees for their fancy wedding invitations aren’t adequate. Then again, you only get married only once.

Ooops, maybe you would get the chance to get married again. I mean, isn’t that the trend? Nikah, cerai, nikah lagi, cerai lagi. Yada… Yada…

My point is, marriage is a huge step. I mean, its not just mere signing documents, legalize your sexual intercourses and all. Its about uh, combining two souls, lives. And uh perhaps love? Its not the hardest nor easiest thing in the world. Its just big, huge. Bigger than your body.

Imagine managing your household economy. Bills, who pay this, who pay that? Electric bills dah nak naik. Minyak kereta lagi. Soon, monthly rentals. Groceries! Miscellaneous? Who knows when your pipe lines in your house might give you problems. Or maybe that stupid dumb lock at your front door is not working. See? Money. I mean, even in a relationship you want to manage your funds together pun might lead to an argument. What more when you’re married. Don’t get me started when you’re expecting a baby.

Then comes the in-laws. You know you would have to constantly make them happy. Who wouldn’t want their kid to be in good hands? Pretending in their presence would not help. I mean, its a form hypocrisy.

And all that things you’re suppose to be in it together. Ah, heavy stuff. I mean, well, hidup sendiri sekarang ni pun tak terurus, lagi nak kahwin. Ish. Mati okay.

But I’m sure they know what they’re doing. Maybe they have managed their lives well and it is time to merge them. The more the merrier right? Lol.

All the best. Love always wins right?

Haha… pardon me for thinking about marriage. All these wedding invitations and stories are making me think!

Ying Ye 3+1 is a bit less cheesy than average but you still have some cheesy moments. I don’t know how you’re supposed to feel watching these.. Are you supposed to be moved? Or maybe to dream about it? To wish your boyfriend would look at you with that ever longing gaze ? Or to smile idiotically? You think about it.

Ah, I enjoy laughing while watching it. So, no problem here. Would be nice if you could tell me in my comments if you smile or laugh when u watched it. In these drama have the traditional hug scenes between the scared lead girl and super hot male, the hug under the rain, the hug under no rain, the I-end-up-by-mistake-in-your-bed scene, the traditional jealousy tantrums and so on. Every ingredients of a romance drama should have.

All in all, I LOVE IT! “I said I’ll beat chu down!”

Even though my eyes are shut, I can still see colors crystal clearly. That’s when I think it is no big deal to be blind. At times, I wish I am, when what’s real and what’s not are lucid… but it becomes such a big deal to not see faces of loves.

Even though I don’t listen, I can still know what is going on. That’s when I think it is no big deal to be deaf. At times, I wish I am, when truth and lies mix in a confused way… but it becomes such a big deal to not hear the sound of thunderstorm and voices of people who say they love me.

Even though I don’t speak, I can still write and, isn’t it true you say it best when you say nothing at all? That’s when I think it is no big deal to be mute. At times, I wish I am, when honesty does not come along within… but it becomes such a big deal to not reply ”I love you too” back.

When you know things are uncertain, but you proceed dealing with it,
When you want to reach something so high but the sky has its limit,
When you wish someone would understand you inside out,
When you feel so right, but things are actually so wrong,
When you have to take risk with the lights off,
When the truth hurts but you have no choice except to tell the truth,

What do you do?

I just killed a cockroach. Why didn’t I feel like a superhero.

Life isn’t what you always wish for. The heartache is more than what I could take. But I guess I still have to get over it and be done with. One last thing for you:

Sorry, I’m not perfect.

I’ll annoy you, make you mad,

say stupid things,

and then take them back.

I will look crappy most of the time.

I have the worst temper of all.

But put all of that aside,

you will never find a girl who cares and loves more about you than I do

Okay. I’m feeling so emo right now… for some reasons. Isn’t it weird, when suddenly you get this moment of silence while talking to someone? Especially when it doesn’t happen frequently right?

Lots of stuff has been going on lately. Something is always behind my mind. And it makes me doubt, am I on the right track? Should I make a different move? Or should I just go with the flow? It’s my destiny and my future in my own hands. Make it? Or break it?

It’s left me teary, happy, frustrated, confused, angry… just a ‘rojak’ of feelings. I’ve put in deep thoughts but sometimes it just doesn’t work. Listen to my conscience? Or listen to my heart? Problems. It’s what makes us stronger day by day though.

I’m bored. I miss university. Weird, only a few days, and now I already miss it. Maybe I miss having stuff to do. Whereas now staying at home, I have ditto to do.

I just typed a paragraph of random ranting, and then I deleted it cause I started not understanding what I was typing about or what I was trying to type about, something like that. I haven’t been functioning well these few days, I don’t feel like myself.

I’m completely dry of ideas.

Will try to check back in soon.

Resah yang ku
Ubah dalam kata
Melukiskan kesunyian
Tanpa engkau aku tak mengerti

Meski
Pagi itu menatapi
Akan sunyi tanpamu
Menemani aku sepi

Chorus :

Tanpa..
Cintamu aku resah
Tanpa..
Kasihmu aku hampa
Tanpa..
Dirimu aku mati
hohoo…

(ulang chorus x2)

Kini benar-benarku rasakan
Dalam benuk hatiku tanpamu
Ku tak mengerti
Takut
Takut jauh dari dirimu
Kan kau tinggalkan aku sendiri
Tanpamu ku mati
hohoo…

Resah yang ku
Ubah dalam kata
Melukiskan kesunyian
Tanpa engkau aku tak mengerti

(ulang chorus x2)

Somebody has to come up to me and say, “Lyana, you REALLY need to widen your scope.”

Sue me. Didn’t I tell you I’ve always been going around in circles with the basic things in life? Maybe I’m the one who has been paying too much attention to it. I mean, you need to be aware of it to perceive it. I guess then, its my fault. I’ve to to get myself out of this cocoon.

Are you aware that it is hard to be entirely independent? I mean, think about it. If you were out living out in the woods, you might think you’re alone. Just you and your little wooden shack.

Ah, but there’s where you are wrong.

You’re surrounded by the nature. And in case you do not know, they’re the ones who provide you oxygen and all. Which deeply enough, helps you to breathe, hence, helping you to live.

I mean, without those trees, you’re nothing - you can’t even breathe.

But what has been bothering me is that, why do people need to be interdependent? I mean, sure you need someone to share the joy and the burden in life. I’m sorry I might sound a little bit skeptical or rather boxed, but why? I know it sounds like questioning why is 2+2=4. But I was just wondering okay.

You could have all the things in life but at the end of the day, you just need that mere companionship. Maybe by the love of a pet, a mother, a sibling, a father, a friend, or a lover. Maybe even God. But God pretty much everywhere with you. So lets take God out of the frame.

And you know all the phases you go through in life? Like from secondary school, where you share life experiences that help you be where you are now with those closed friends. And yes, I can’t deny that you would end up being closed still after your schooling years and throughout college life.

But it wouldn’t be much the same wouldn’t it?

You go to different institutions to further study. Yes, you talk now and then. But it is not the same as those days, you see each other every morning. 5 days a week. It’s pretty much like your life routine. You share things, vague and vivid. Now, you probably would just meet over breakfast and all since each of you have your own life events.

Then you create new circle of friends. Might not be the same as the previous ones, but you know, you see them more often. Being under the same roof and all. And, you talk, laugh, scream and shout daily. Isn’t that what its about? Going through things together, on a daily basis. Physical proximity - isn’t this one of the fundamental factor?

But what would happen to the dear ones from your the circle from your previous stage of life?

Should you draw a line between what’s to share and what not to share? I mean, how do you know whether you should share things with someone and be dependent?

Do you measure by how close are or were you? I mean, period of time knowing. Or do you measure by the physical proximity?

Again, why do we need to be interdependent?

God, I can’t sleep.
Besok dah lah paper paling susah… konon la.
Siot.

Isn’t it ridiculous when one can’t sleep,
they need to tell to the whole world?

Haha…

It’s okay, it’s proven that I’m ridiculous.
And I’m hungry.

And people get ridiculous at times like this?

Who frigging care about the norms?

Well, guess what. It’s my 21st birthday today! I guess I am now an adult. The girl behind this blog who tells emotional carps is finally an adult. Can you believe that? Me too.

When I was young, I made a lot of stupid stuff. For example, I thought that sleeping on my textbook would make me smart. I was wrong. I didn’t receive any knowledge by doing that. The only thing I got was a sore neck. It was stupid. I guess I am now an adult and should act like one, but I guess if I am young at heart, then it shouldn’t be a problem right? Of course don’t expect me to stick pencils up my nose now as my parents would be worried… haha…

On Friday, I went out with my boyfriend to Sunway to celebrate my birthday. We ate at Yuen Steamboat Restaurant. The food was great and so was the bill… LOL!. Anyway, it was a simple and nice meal and I had fun ice-skating at Sunway Pyramid with him.

My friends once shared with me that in the old times, when someone reaches 21, they would be given a key. Kinda like a symbol of adulthood. It’s a representation of the “key to adulthood”. I am not sure if this tradition continues these days. For me, I won’t ask for more on my birthday.

As I had my 21st birthday, I began to wonder how others would spend their 21st birthday. I know some of my friends would go to a club and celebrate, some would stay in a chalet while others would mug in the library. Some would spend it with their special someone, some with their close friends, and some with their families.

How would you spend your 21st birthday? If you are above 21, how did you spend your 21st birthday?

*edited*

Here are the pictures that we took on our outing. Enjoy!

Papakins posing with his food.

Slurpp… He’s enjoying his kerang.

“Let’s go for our 3rd round!”

Papakins and I after our ice-skating session

Papakins is very HAPPY!

Window shopping at Sunway Pyramid

“TQ so much Papakins for the awesome day. Sayang Papa!”

ME?! For Sale?!! NOO!!!!

Papakins very tired until take nap at bus station. Poor Papa.

Based on a quiz from Blogthings - What’s Your Name Means?

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don’t get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You’re always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can’t handle you. You’re very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you’re likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

A friend of mine said; you should not write about life - it just goes on and on. Old stuff repeating to new words. Get what I mean? Then she said I should write about movies, that’s fun stuff.

Well, I have no words against her, really. It’s true. Don’t you guys notice? It’s the same thing repeating over and over again. Its worse than a writer’s block. Not fresh.

Once in a lecture, an educator said; Don’t write you emotions out. You write to educate people, not to influence them. That’s what he felt, specially on religions of the world and how significant they are to lives. We pretty much had to ponder upon religions, philosophically that is.

In other words, don’t pull people to stand by you. Let them think on their own, make their choices. Inspire them. Don’t be fucking bias.

So dear readers; did I educate you or did I influence you to object me?